Insomnia

Insomnia is the inability to sleep. I started to have this problem ever since Kindergarten began. I worry that I will not hear the alarm clock to wake her up, causing her to miss school. I worry she will arrive late and be told to get a tardy slip, or that she doesn't have to time to see her friends before the bell rings (very important). I worry that she won't eat her lunch or drink enough water, or that she'll be too tired to swim after school, or that we'll miss something because of traffic. I worry that Nana might forget to pick her up, and that she will be the last kid sitting there all by herself. I worry early in the morning, all day, and into the night. I cannot sleep. I have insomnia.

There was once a time in my life when I would fall fast asleep and not wake up until 12 o'clock in the afternoon. Now I am lucky if I can get to sleep at all. I use my late nights writing, surfing the Internet, lifting weights, facebook and stuffing my face. I sit and stare at the computer for hours on everything from news, clothes, food, celebrity gossip, etc. I can spend hours just reading about home improvements!! Before you know it, its one o'clock in the morning. As I proceed downstairs to bed, I make a pit stop to the bathroom. Another 20 minutes goes by as I stand in front of the mirror plucking away at my eyebrows. Then I get into bed and stare at the clock. I double, triple check to make sure the alarm is on LOUD. Then I lay there thinking about everything. Another 20 minutes goes by. I turn to look at the clock to make sure that I haven't missed the alarm. Its only 2am! "Okay," I say to myself. "You have about 5 hours, 15 minutes to sleep." Finally, I am out cold only to wake up in a panic and often times a sweat. Did I miss the alarm? I turn and look, it's 3:15am. This goes on literally every hour on the hour until...it's 7:15am and I wake up before the alarm. Now I am completely exhausted. Now, I want to sleep but I can't. I've got to get everyone ready to go to school and start our day.

My kids love to sleep. Ever since they were infants, I was fortunate enough to be able to sleep until around 9am. Things changed once preschool started, but still, waking up at 8:15am with two kids under the age of 3 ain't bad. Sometimes we would over sleep but that was okay. Missing preschool didn't matter but in Kindergarten it does! Missing school means going to school the next day with a note. It means making up homework and missed assignments. There is no longer the option of, "let just stay home today." In Kindergarten, mom has to prepare lunch and breakfast before 7:30am with sleep or not. In Kindergarten it means getting cleaned up in 15 minutes, eating in 10 and getting dressed in 5. And it means rushing out the door after that in 2. Kindergarten for a parent means being in a hurry, worrying, wondering, thinking, creating, and the obvious....not sleeping.

Perhaps sleeping is overrated? I mean I seem to function just fine throughout my day. I run/swim with barely any sleep. I continue with all my regular routines with little sleep. I manage to still cook, clean and do laundry. The only change is that I actually pulled out a tube of concealer today. I slathered it under my eyes like sunscreen. Wow! What a difference! I look.......well, like I've slept for hours!! So, who needs sleep when I can make it look like I do?!

Honestly, insomnia is happening because of all the changes that are going on. Kindergarten is a new beginning not just for your child, but for you as a parent. It is really amazing to see the transition these kids have made from preschool to Kindergarten! They are bigger, stronger, and well...they aren't crying and asking you to stay. In fact, they want you to leave! They make their "own" friends rather than playing with the preschool parents' kid you associated with. Kindergarten is on their terms. You are not just merely dropping them off. In fact, its the other way around!! They are leaving you and they know this! No more stopping by for circle time. No more hanging out singing songs! No more class parties taking pictures!! In fact, they have lost interest in parents in general! They have friends everywhere. 1st graders, 7th graders, 3rd graders. It's like their own world of little people just like them! I am the outsider showing up in my sloppy running shorts while they are all dressed-up in their pretty navy blue jumpers and shorts. Oh gosh, is my daughter embarrassed by me??!! Is this why she just high five's me when I leave?? Come to think of it, I met an 8th grader walking to school the other day, and she was embarrassed that she had a babysitter accompanying her to school!

Is this is why I am losing sleep! Why, of course!! My little girl is now a BIG girl and I want her to remain a little girl at my convenience. Okay-wait a minute. That sounds totally selfish! I am totally selfish-who am I trying to fool here? I mean, yes I want her to be a big girl and get a glass of water by herself when I am trying to read a magazine. I want her to be a big girl and wipe her own butt when I am trying to have a conversation on the phone. I want her to watch Little Einsteins because I am too lazy to get off the couch! But deep down, truth be told, I want her to be a big girl but I want her to be my baby FOREVER too. I want that sticker-wearing "I'm proud to be a Kindergartner" person to be my little baby so I can kiss her whenever I want, call her by her nickname "Bugaboo" and most importantly, so I can get some fucking sleep!